As I write this, I am exhausted and feeling like I am coming down with something. We arrived back into Portland today after spending the last couple days in Oklahoma with family and friends celebrating the marriage of my little sister Melanie to her husband Tony. Its been such an emotional roller coaster that I felt the need to write about it to help myself process the thoughts swirling through my very unclear head.
Melanie gave me the great honor of being her ‘Matron of Honor’ which as most of you know also means giving a speech. I started thinking and actually writing this speech 2 months ago. Wish I could say it was perfected with that much time put into it.

In short I said that since I was 7 when Melanie was born, I remember a lot of details of Melanie’s birth, her as a baby, a toddler, a little girl… and a woman. (insert sob) Seriously this is the point in the speech I started to cry. I knew I would. I cried every time I read it, or thought about it. Melanie often got on my nerves as a child as many younger siblings can. She copied me so much and it drove me crazy. If I picked something out, she wanted to pick it out as well. She’d follow me around at family events, and typically always want to sit next to me. It drove me crazy. Now as I am typing this tears are starting to stream. This little girl at some point grew up. She stopped copying me. She started making decisions and really good ones at that. Tony is one of her very best. Every one that knows them both can see how much he loves her.

As I watched my little sister get ready on her wedding day and hold Tony’s hand promising to love him until she dies I have such a bitter sweet feeling. Where have the years gone? When did the little girl with the bowl cut grow into such a incredible woman? A woman I love and admire and share so many things with? How blessed I am to have been able to be close to her during a lot of her engagement. We had already moved to Portland when her showers happened and I didn’t realize how hard it would be to miss them until they happened. Both of my sisters are so precious to me. Before living in Texas I was able to live in NYC near Jennifer for 5 years. I wouldn’t trade that time for the world either. When I said goodbye to Melanie before she left for her honeymoon I sobbed. I know I will never live in the same house as my sisters again. That’s okay.. We’d probably kill each other anyway.

I have felt life has been handing me a lot of reality checks lately. This past weekend I had a huge one and it hurts. Like I said, its bitter sweet. Growing up means relationships change. New relationships begin and old ones take on a new look. I am so thankful for my sisters and the gift they are to me. I wish I could say that I never take them for granted but I know I do. Today I don’t. Today I love them and realize how much I miss them when we were are apart.

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Quite a few of you have asked what is happening on the job front. *sigh. When we first arrived in Portland we both felt that we needed to apply at any paying job. So we did. And we did some more… and then some more. Yeah, the job market is hard. I was hired first at Target. Not my first choice but not my last and it paid! Unfortunately they hired me but didn’t actually start me until nearly a month later. Which really took its toll on our quickly depleting savings account. Which at this point is a joke that its called a savings account. During the waiting to start Target process I was hired by Christian Associates to work as a Admin. Assis. to Ann, our HR director. This job is for 32 hours a month so I still very much needed another job.
I finally started Target at the end of August and worked a couple weeks all different crazy hours. During this time Ryan had been searching for a job as well and he was hired as well on at the same Target. (we work well together but still thought this was hilarious we both had been hired at a Target) Anyway about 2 weeks ago I came home absolutely spent from my shift at Target. We have seen God provide for us in very amazing ways but the reality of our empty bank account was hitting hard. In tears and frustration I felt ready to pack up our belongings and just escape.

Where? That’s the thing. This IS home. There is nowhere to “run” to.

So Ryan and I just sat there in our little apartment with heavy hearts and prayed. We prayed God would provide us with the means to survive and the jobs that would help us do this. Target for the both of us, even with my other job just wouldn’t do it. Plus the hours changing constantly is just NOT my cup of tea. I like routine, I like schedules, I like structure. I am my fathers daughter.
This was on a Friday afternoon we prayed and I cried. We also sent my resume to a view more jobs on Craigslist. Monday morning rolled around. I had worked until 10pm on Sunday evening and then had a 6am shift that morning. I was home by 10:30 and after sleeping only about 4 hours ready to go to sleep for a few. I received a voice mail from a gentleman who said he received my resume’. He was interested in interviewing me and was pleased with my work history. He especially liked that I had put in nearly 5 years at Dallas Theological Seminary. Yipppeeee! We talked over the phone for about 20 minutes and he asked me to come in for a face to face right then and there. I ripped my red shirt and khaki’s off and threw myself together and drove the 5 miles to SW Portland.
Okay so long story cut short… I was hired. I started today and I am the company’s (Herndon Recognition) admin. assistant. Its a smaller company of about 25-30 employees and now I am one of them. I will be working 3 days a week for 8-9 hour days. My pay is a jump over my Target pay and it better suits my personality. It allows me to work with Ann for a day and gives me a consistent schedule that I thrive in. Needless to say… this is an answer to prayer.
We still need your prayers as we are trusting the Lord to provide us with the means to still survive here. My new job, Ryan’s Target job and my HR job still do not cover all our financial needs. However God has proven that He covers us with His love and has continued to provide for us. Even if at times I feel its in the last hour.

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When I moved to NYC over 12 years there was a show that came out not long after I moved there called “Felicity”. It was about a young naive girl who after graduating from high school follows the “love of her life” (he just didn’t know she existed) to NYU where she attends school. I loved this show. Not just because it took place in the city I was living in but I related to this girl on so many level’s at times. She was from California, while I had moved from Oklahoma. We were both around the same age. She was attending NYU while working at Dean and Deluca while I was working as a hostess in a posh restaurant in the basement of Barney’s NY, hoping to attend college!?! Okay so maybe we weren’t that similar.
It was the new girl to the new city that drew me to relating to this character. She was making new friends, while I was making new friends. She was adventuring through Manhattan while I was adventuring through Manhattan. I loved how our life seemed somewhat parallel even if it was really far fetched.

I have found myself searching for that here in Portland. Yes, there are A LOT of people that live in this city that are not from here, and that could cause us to relate. I suppose I am desperately wanting to relate to someone that moved here and maybe just maybe had a hard time settling down in the beginning. Because we moved here to work with a church plant and “settle” I have felt guilty that I am not just LOVING it. As with most big changes in my life, its going to take time. I move into things somewhat quickly and then slooooooooooow down to the point that might frustrate those around me. Matter of fact I know they frustrate those around me. I observe and take in my surroundings and often come across as shy. There are probably a few of you that are laughing over that. Its true. I am not the bubbling extrovert that has the world on my shoulder. Or whatever the saying is.

My first couple months in Portland have revealed to me a couple things about myself.
1. JUST like when I moved to Dallas 8 years ago, I struggle with comparing my relationship with God and my walk with Him to those around me. (perhaps another blog post)
2. I am insecure.
3. I have high expectations on friendships. At DTS I was blessed with a few extremely deep, raw, authentic relationships. Those woman changed me. Seriously I am a better person because of a few woman that God placed in my path. They walked with me through the death of my dear friend Jenny, they walked with me through 5 years of infertility and they walked with me through my depression. They know that my marriage is far from perfect, that I am bitchy when I PMS (& drive), they know that I love Hollywood gossip, teeny bopper shows, and that I typically prefer having people to my home over going out. I love these girls (we are all still girls, right?) so dearly but I cannot expect everyone to be like you all. I do want authentic. I do expect real. Deep might be for only a few though. And I need to cut Portland some slack. There has to be a kindred spirit out there though?

So there you have it. I am adjusting and feeling the need to relate to the “Felicity’s” of Portland. I am also learning that I have many many flaws and am still very much a work in progress. Portland, please be patient with me.
xoxo.

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